Beyond the Words S2 EP05
[00:00:00] Dimple Thakrar: Hello and welcome back to Beyond the Words with me Dimple Thakra. So today I want to unpack what went wrong in my marriage and how we fixed it and what I'm seeing as a constant pattern with all the couples that I work with, not just the power couples, not just the entrepreneurial, although it tends to happen more with them, and talk to you about The masculine and the feminine energies.
[00:00:33] Dimple Thakrar: So if you want to know my story, there is a podcast all about how Tony Robbins saved my marriage. So go back, watch that podcast. And this one really follows from that. So I talk about how in marriages, what I have experienced is, particularly around the time when you're having children or there's a transition in your marriage, It's usually when you've had children, actually.
[00:01:05] Dimple Thakrar: What tends to happen is, prior to the children, you're in this lovely flow of him being in his masculine and you being in your feminine. So that's where you get the attraction, right? Masculine and feminine, it's like a magnet. They attract. Positive and negative. It attracts, right? You're a magnet for each other when you're dating.
[00:01:26] Dimple Thakrar: It's all, you're, the woman's all girly and gorgeous and lets him lead and he's in his power of knowing what to do and taking you. And this is the traditional role, right? This is how we like to be. Wood, and how they like to lead. Now, what's happening these days, and the reason marriages are failing, and this is what happened with mine is, with the evolution of women rising in their ability to provide for themselves financially, and rightly equal in the workplace, financially, right?
[00:02:09] Dimple Thakrar: But we're not equal. And for a lot of you, you're gonna get This is going to trigger you. The truth is women and men are not equal. We are just not equal. We are designed differently. We have different super powers. Men are designed different. Like we literally have. Different physiological functionality.
[00:02:35] Dimple Thakrar: Women are designed to create life. Men are designed to protect and provide for life. So in the olden days, it was really clear. If you think about our grandparents and the, how the divorce rates were really low because the man went out to work, it was really clear, and the woman stayed at home and nurtured.
[00:02:58] Dimple Thakrar: And she cared and nurtured, he provided and protected. So there was always that balance. Now with the shift of women going out to work and the war and women being needed in the workforce, what's happened is, over time, is that the, only role models women have had in the workforce have been men on how to succeed.
[00:03:21] Dimple Thakrar: So in the 80s and 90s, you got this whole generation of women in their power suits with their shoulder pads and, letting rip and ball bashing, and that was what we were shown as the way to success. The leadership style was very much aggressive, competitive, who can speak the loudest, who can the other person down the loudest, right?
[00:03:55] Dimple Thakrar: But here's the problem with that. Marriages started to fail because those same power women also wanted their men to lead. Also desired deeply connection, deeply intimacy, deeply arrest from all the decisions making. But they didn't know how to transition from that, what I would say now is inauthentic masculine, back to their authentic feminine in the home.
[00:04:27] Dimple Thakrar: What does that mean? Surrendering. Oh, dare I say it? Surrendering to your man. I'm going to do a whole podcast on what that actually means, so watch that one. But for now, so what was happening and what happened with me, because I was a career woman and then I had my daughter and my husband was, in my words, nowhere to be seen because he was out selling mangoes on a bloody Sunday.
[00:04:56] Dimple Thakrar: He was in his zone of protector, I've got a mouth to feed, another mouth to feed, I need to protect this family. So he worked 24 7. What that meant was, if we look back to cavemen time, where the man went out to Hunt and bring home the bacon, literally. And the women were in tribes looking after the babies in the cave.
[00:05:21] Dimple Thakrar: The women and our primal brains still think this, that we are prey. So our fundamental need is safety. So if our men are out, we are not being protected because their fundamental need is to protect and provide and procreate. Three Ps, right? So if they are out and we are feeling like they've, they're not with us, and I have this baby and I was like, I need to protect this baby and the only way I can protect is in my masculine 'cause that's a prote ma protection is a masculine trait.
[00:06:02] Dimple Thakrar: So why rose in my masculine? He's still in his masculine. So we've got masculine and masculine energy and how that is portrayed in a marriage is. Repulsion, right? It's like positive and positive charge. It's not going to attract, it's going to repulse. So what does that look like? Arguments. Lack of intimacy, because you can only have intimacy when you've got polarity, when you're attracting each other.
[00:06:30] Dimple Thakrar: Constant competition. One upmanship. Them having to be wrong so you can be right. You proving your point constantly. Putting him down. Him, disconnecting. Either arguing and fighting you or disconnecting and numbing himself in either video games, his phone, drugs, alcohol, TV, pornography, even other women, work.
[00:07:01] Dimple Thakrar: Because it's painful to come home to a man, which is literally what I was. I was wearing the trousers. I was demasculating him. I was basically saying, hand them over. Hand them over now. I don't care. Because I'm in charge, I make all the decisions, I control the show. And the little girl and the woman inside of me was desperate for him to lead and take care of me and allow me to rest.
[00:07:33] Dimple Thakrar: But I wouldn't let him, because every time he made a decision, I would criticise him. Or I would say no, baby, that's not where we go or what we do. So it was never good enough. So he always felt like it was never good enough. And bit by bit, he lost his confidence. and continued to hand me these balls and I continued to wear them and get exhausted because my testosterone levels started to rise and his started to drop.
[00:08:06] Dimple Thakrar: And let me tell you ladies, 10 years of wearing balls is bloody uncomfortable. It's literally uncomfortable as hell for everybody. And so eventually what happens is, and I call this the pleaser, He gets exhausted with the fight and his desire to procreate is a fundamental internal thing that he can't control in the same way that we can't control our desire to feel safe.
[00:08:42] Dimple Thakrar: When I learned this at the Tony Robbins event in relationship, when Tony asked in the room and there were 500 of us in the room, a split between men and women, and he asked the women, how often, Do you think about safety in the day? Is it daily? More, a lot, more than once in the day? Or is it weekly or monthly?
[00:09:11] Dimple Thakrar: And every single woman in that room said it was more than once a day. Because we are prey. We're built smaller. Now I'm not saying that we can't protect ourselves. That's nobody else's job. That's sourcing safety within you is very, is a different process for women. And that's again, another podcast. But this piece is our innate knowing that we are prey.
[00:09:45] Dimple Thakrar: And so he then asked the same question to the men and this, literally every woman's jaw dropped when he asked the men, how often do you think about safety? 98 percent of the men in that room said, once a month, if that, their brains aren't designed for that because they are warriors, they're designed to go fight, go hunt.
[00:10:10] Dimple Thakrar: in their natural state. And so they are also designed to procreate because that's how they pass on their genetic material, right? And there are different stages in the life of a man, and I'll, that's for another podcast, but this particular podcast, his innate desire for sex is strong. Our innate desire for connection and intimacy is strong.
[00:10:41] Dimple Thakrar: The strength of our safety overrides our desire for connection. The strength of his procreation overrides his desire to protect, right? This is why men think about sex a million times a day, more than women do. It's just the way we're designed. And so the only way that he can procreate is if there's polarity, because If you're in your masculine and he's in his masculine, you're going to repel each other.
[00:11:14] Dimple Thakrar: You're not going to fancy each other. It's like sleeping with your brother. It's like roommates, right? So what has to happen? In order for him to get intimacy, there has to be polarity. Now you're in your inauthentic masculine. He's in his inauthentic, he's in his authentic masculine and it's not working.
[00:11:34] Dimple Thakrar: So eventually he gets exhausted. And he drops into what I call inauthentic feminine to create polarity. So that's when you get the calmness, but he's a pleaser. He doesn't if you ask where you were he's, if he's organizing a date night, or even if you're talking about a date night, he'll say, where'd you want to go?
[00:11:58] Dimple Thakrar: And you'll say, you decide. And he'll say no, you decide. He becomes a pleaser because he's sick of being criticized for his decisions being wrong. He's sick of being coached on how to do things. And you become his mother, he plays out like a child, and you'll often hear women say, I have three children.
[00:12:18] Dimple Thakrar: Meaning, two of their actual children and their husband. He behaves like a child. Of course he's gonna, if you're gonna act like his mother. But the reason that happens is to create polarity. Inauthentic feminine, inauthentic masculine. You end up with what looks like scratch the, scratch and itch kind of intimacy.
[00:12:42] Dimple Thakrar: Where you're serving a need, but it's not deep connection and everybody's miserable. That was the time when I had such bad neck pain and I was so exhausted with making all the decisions. I was like, for fuck's sake, be a man, up, I would say to him. And he had no idea what that meant. And this was the imbalance.
[00:13:07] Dimple Thakrar: And so this 10 years, or maybe a bit less, five years. It was exhausting. I can't quite tell. Yeah. And this is when we decided to get divorced, because it was no fun, we wanted more. We want deep connection, deep intimacy, we wanted laughter and joy. I wanted to smile again, I wanted to be happy. I was tired and exhausted and my body ached
[00:13:36] Dimple Thakrar: and I couldn't get out of my head of constantly seeing where he was going wrong. And I couldn't get out of my head of constantly choosing being right over love.
[00:13:47] Dimple Thakrar: And we headed for the divorce. Now, how did we flip the, flip it round? Cause the only way to save your marriage is you, decide to have the courage and it takes courage for both of you to really work on your true, authentic energy balance in your relationship. So for a woman, that means handing back the balls.
[00:14:14] Dimple Thakrar: Stepping into courage and knowing that you are always safe and always protected even when it doesn't seem it. Now, of course, this is for healthy relationships. I'm not talking about abusive relationships or toxic ones, but just be mindful if you think this, that you're in a toxic relationship. And truly, what I realized was that I was being toxic.
[00:14:42] Dimple Thakrar: I wouldn't want to live with me. Ouch. That realisation that I was being the bitch from hell, I was the one that as soon as he walked through the door I was nagging and criticising and coaching him and not giving him a moment to breathe. Would I want to be greeted that way? So no wonder he sat in the car on the drive for 20 minutes, composing himself, dreading going in.
[00:15:11] Dimple Thakrar: The moment you take responsibility for your own actions is the moment everything changes. I'd spent years being in the victim mode, blaming and shaming him. Blaming him for me not being happy. Blaming him for being, him not being man enough. Blaming him for him not being able to make a decision.
[00:15:28] Dimple Thakrar: Blaming him for the lack of romance. Blaming him for the way he was just passive. Flaccid looking. Almost like his shoulders would be curled up and round. He'd look down and you've seen these men. And you see them in restaurants and they just head down and cower. These are super inhuman. Super powerful men in the workplace, but the minute they get into the home, they become mice because the woman, I was going to say beats the man out of them.
[00:16:01] Dimple Thakrar: He allows it and she has to take full responsibility of that. So having control in your marriage is not what you think. Surrendering is not what you think. It's actually the opposite. It's the contra indication. It's the supporting him, praising him, acknowledging him. I went on a walk the other day, a dog walk, and this beautiful woman was walking two dogs, and I have two dogs.
[00:16:36] Dimple Thakrar: And I was saying, oh, they're lovely dogs, and she said, yeah, one of them's not mine, I'm just dog sitting. She said, I would like two dogs, but my husband said it would be too much for me. What does he know? And then, in the second breath, she said, actually, it is really hard work having two. I'm glad I'm handing this one back.
[00:16:55] Dimple Thakrar: And I said our beautiful men, they do know how to protect us if we care to listen. And she went, I know, but I'm never going to tell him that. I wouldn't want him to get big headed. My heart sank because I thought, why is it as women that we feel we can't share the truth for fear of them getting too big for their boots?
[00:17:22] Dimple Thakrar: Why is it as women we feel we have to bring them down and put them in their place to make ourselves bigger? And the reason for it is because as long as we're in our masculine, we're always going to compete. It's just the nature of the masculine. Two warriors are going to fight for the hunt, right?
[00:17:43] Dimple Thakrar: That's a telltale sign that a woman's feeling insecure and therefore has to be in her masculine to protect herself. When the truth is it takes courage to surrender and actually the joy of opening your heart, letting down the wall and actually Honoring him by letting him know how much it means to you that he's always there to protect and provide for you.
[00:18:11] Dimple Thakrar: And if that's not the case in your relationship, and he doesn't do that when you surrender, then you're not an energetic match. And it's as simple as that. It's time to let go. But I promise you, ladies, what I have experienced in my work and what I live on a day to day basis is that when we flick the switch and we let go and surrender, With no expectation, with no assumptions, other than just being ourselves and receiving fully, these beautiful men step up and they give from a place of love.
[00:18:52] Dimple Thakrar: They give because the divine masculine's job is to give. Think about it, intercourse. He goes into us, we receive. And for the men listening, it is your birthright. Trust your gut instinct. That's all I can say. The moment you go against it is the moment you turn into the pleaser or the rebel. Two archetypes I talk about a lot in my Awakened Collective.
[00:19:27] Dimple Thakrar: We go deep into this work where on a monthly basis, we talk about the different archetypes, the sovereign, the rebel, the pleaser, and how we can navigate. And the aim is to be the sovereign, to be the king for your queen, and for the queen to sit back in her sovereignty and know it's her divine right to receive all the things.
[00:19:56] Dimple Thakrar: You know the moment I set, sit back, is the moment I don't have to ask for romance, is the moment I get some poetry, my man writes poetry, is the moment that I have the most incredible experiences. He arranges for us to meet in Bali. He's in Australia, I'm in England. And before I know it, I'm on a plane to Bali.
[00:20:23] Dimple Thakrar: I could never have controlled that. I could have never have gone, okay, I want to go to Bali. So surrendering requires you to trust that whatever he's doing is divinely perfect. And it's often better than we could ever imagine. But this takes time and consistency. You can't expect it overnight. So many women.
[00:20:47] Dimple Thakrar: I have a program called Ladies Go First, and it's literally that. You have to go first, without expecting anything back. You have to trust your instinct, your intuition. And I have a program called Men Only, and it's literally that. It's for men, on how to reclaim their balls, how to fully Step into the provider role and allow her to feel safe and secure so she can dance and soften and play.
[00:21:20] Dimple Thakrar: And you get that authentic polarity where she's in her divine feminine in the relationship, you're in your divine masculine. Ping. Beautiful connection. Effortless. So this is how you heal your marriage. This is how you grow. This is how you expand. And it's actually going back to nature while still having incredible businesses, while still being power couples.
[00:21:51] Dimple Thakrar: This is how you support each other. And in another podcast, I'm actually going to talk about how you can actually be even more powerful in your divine feminine in your business. The moment I switched this in my business, I went from low six figures Where I was pushing and hustling and grinding in the masculine to leaning back, traveling more, having more fun, supporting some very challenging health situations for both my husband and I, and magnetizing the most profound thought leaders and creating in 18 months a seven figure.
[00:22:38] Dimple Thakrar: Business through love, through my divine feminine, through not chasing and through developing something called quantum marketing. And again, that's for another podcast where you literally magnetize the perfect clients for you, where it becomes joyous and fun. And what also happened is his business 10x because he was fully supported.
[00:23:08] Dimple Thakrar: He was fully functioning in his divine masculine. And there we have it. The foundation of your relationship is always going to create magic in all the ways I, liken it and I'll leave you with this model and this visualization. If you can imagine your house, a house is your life. It's a representation of your life and the foundation is your relationship with yourself and then with your intimate other.
[00:23:39] Dimple Thakrar: Now if that foundation is rocky like mine was, You can build a home on that, on the first floor, on the second floor. The children the work, the children. But here's the problem. The more levels you build on a rocky foundation, the more the house keeps crumbling. The more cracks there are, the less stable it is.
[00:24:03] Dimple Thakrar: And this is why having a solid foundation means you get to build a skyscraper. Because it's so solid. The potential is infinite and it's effortless because you don't have to maintain the first floor or the second floor or the third floor because it's solid. It's built on a solid foundation. So with that, my loves, thank you so much for joining me today and for hanging in throughout this podcast.
[00:24:35] Dimple Thakrar: It's been a privilege and honor to serve you today. God bless you.
